normal

things feel far from normal, yet what the fuck is normal? seriously? why do some fight to be normal while others want to be anything but? i struggle with that in my life, being normal, not being normal, wondering who defines that notion of normality.

recently my mom shared that they have decided that it's best to just act as if things are normal in terms of my dad's cancer. i suppose in some ways they are. it is normal for my family to act like nothing is wrong. it is normal for my family to deliver news that is emotionally charged as if they are reading the bus schedule. it is normal for my family to keep things from me, from themselves as well. it is normal for my family to want to avoid anything painful, and when confronted with it, to flounder and distract themselves in another direction.

so maybe it's normal that i'm at a loss as well. not sure how to connect, how to help. so i end up waiting, waiting for an update, waiting for a return call, waiting to hear about the next dr. visit, and then those results. i play the game, all the while feeling like a little kid instead of the woman i am. the one i'm not sure they really see. so the girl will wait for their updates, listen to their ideas and ways of coping. the woman on the otherhand, well she's got a mind of her own. and it is wandering, keeping her awake at night and in a teary daze at work, hiding in my cubicle, researching ways to combat this cancer. this woman is also surrounded by other women who are kind, strong, insightful. they are my strength. they provide words of honesty, intimacy and support. smiles, hugs and ideas on how to manifest positive energy and maintain hope in these times that feel unusual, like some alternative -normal.