just like that. nothing is for certain. plan plan plan and yet things still don't turn out as planned. sometimes far better, sometimes far worse, sometimes so far from the plan, it's not good or bad, it just is.
today my head is full, crowded with thoughts to sort out. thinking ahead. wondering how to create the right summer childcare situation and the impact of each choice. thinking about all my little dude needs. what i can give, what i can't. what gross motor skills i need to be working on with him and where to find the time to really really effectively work on it with him. how to help him transition. he experiences them so much differently than we do, or at least more frequently, perhaps stronger than we do. thinking about how to help myself learn to be more patient with his difficulty in transitions. how to be flexible, yet steady. how to guide him through new situations. how to help him be free to navigate on his own. how to calm his anxiety that seems to come hand-in-hand with ASD. how to keep the 'scripts' he needs and yet grow them and teach him to feel safe when there isn't one. wondering what the right fall school choice is.
today my mind reviews ways to help my little dude with new emotions he's trying to understand about the adult world he watches and finds himself living in. thinking about the men in this little boys life. how does he see them? what do the words all really mean? teacher, daddy, friend, family. how do they translate in his mind and in his heart? what can i do? what can't i do? thinking about this boy. the boy i love with all my heart. the boy i see. the boy they see.
today my heart aches for those i love whose destiny i cannot predict.
today i feel as if i am on the sidelines as i watch emotions ride through those i love, knowing they are falling, breaking. also knowing it is theirs alone to ride as it is the only way they will get back up and stand even taller than they stand today.
today i am sad for the way life delivers hard-hitting moments that forever change us. but i won't look away. i will watch, witness it alongside them.
today i will hug what i can't heal in the hopes of momentarily sharing the pain of being ripped wide open.
today i am grateful for time and the power it yields, albeit it slow, it is a healing thing.
today i feel love. the preciousness of all things.
today i feel so damn lucky for believing.
today i remind myself to breathe, mindfully take in all i see and feel. for no matter how it feels today, it will feel different tomorrow.
oh my god...wait and see. what will become of me...it's amazing what a minute can do.
1 comment:
Bgirl, I have no idea what you're talking about (specifically), and yet I know exactly what you're talking about. Committing to stay, to love, to witness. This is the essence of life, right here in this post. xoxox
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