the weeks leading in to the last days of 2008 were filled with emotions. enthusiasm, stress, expectations, wants, ideas, needs....it was truly an exercise in the art of compromise. more than that though, it was a time to question my ideas of traditions. tough things to feel and sort out.
we were packing for a long vacation to mexico. escaping the holidays. a plan i announced a year ago. yet as the days drew closer i was quickly realizing you can leave the madness, but you can't leave your mind. let alone the impact leaving has on those you leave behind. it's crazy how despite being a grown woman with my own child, i immediately become a child again with my parents. feeling unsure and shaky on the steady ground of my beliefs and desires.
christmas day in mexico. roosters rudely wake me up before the sun, and i wonder am i awake? not yet, i muse. i realize i am still wavering between ideas. some are my own, others belong to those who helped me build this life i now lead. i feel a bit uneasy or maybe i feel tight. that feeling you get when you borrow someone's clothes that you really like, but they just don't quite fit you right. they look so good on them, yet it just isn't you. i find myself periodically stuck in my childhood skin. it's a tight fit, not quite right. these feelings and memories provide me some thoughtless comfort, yet they simply don't fit. sadly in my sleepy state i numbly let them move me through the first moments of this morning.
travel days are always a bit hard. a mix of excitement and anxiety that can't be pulled apart. residual feelings from the long day prior are evident as morning breaks. yet as the little dude emerges along with the sun, the uneasiness dissipates. he so freely embraces this new place, without a sign of christmas traditions around, he is thrilled to find the small tidings santa managed to drop off all the way in mexico, using a chair as a chimney for his stocking.
ideas are not real. this right now is real. those in front of me are real. this place, right now...this is real and it is good. real good.
4 comments:
i've missed you. mexico, huh. where? what did it smell like? taste like?
come farther south next time. i'll meet you there.
I felt guilty leaving Kip's side of the family for Christmas but I HATE the tug o' war of going to see 8 million people all in one day...if they were so important why not see them at other times of the year too? I am so used to haveing Christmas eve with my parents and cousins and Christmas at home, done by 1000. Last year, Kip's first being home, his first as a non-airline pilot, was my first year experiencing the "normal" craziness of Christmas. It was exhausting! Especially with an 8 month old that didn't get to nap. I so would love to just do my own thing at my own house and say, "you're welcome to come on down." That'll never happen though. Leaving on an experience rather than staying and opening a bunch of useless gifts was so refreshing.
Wow, I loved the image of being sometime stuck with your childhood skin even though it doesn't fit anymore. I get that, I really do.
you'll find that balance...your trip was a fantastic start.
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