it's been so long since i've been here. many reasons, some that matter, some that don't.
the past 3 months have been slowly unfolding. meaning isn't altogether clear and yet this is the path i am meant to be on. facing hard decisions. things from the past that will effect the future. sitting in tough conversations. muddling through emotions some that are mine, some that are not. wanting to find meaning, to hammer out detailed next steps, and realizing i can't. the meaning may just be in the experience of moving, moving through this. the next steps may be each new day we have, no matter the feelings associated with it. i waver between flowing and definitive. trying to define the things in my life, the people in it.
the scared girl within wants some sense of false hope so i can relax, quit trying to make things just so. the woman i want to be is mad at the girl i was. how long will i remain angry with her? today she made me so mad. all her poor decisions that i carry in my body. the tightness in my bones, the ache that won't fade. new air flowed in with each sun salutation, yet instead of invoking peace it created awareness of of how uncomfortable i felt in my own skin. how crowded i feel in my surroundings. so much so that rather than face myself, rather than reflecting and observing, i reacted. shouting, the words came out so fast i wasn't even sure if they came from me. they must've though because the pain i was feeling was suddenly inflicted on those around me. and that was worse than anything i was carrying within.
5 comments:
Oh B. Forgive yourself. You deserve it. You make up for one tough moment with so many other happy, affirming moments. xoxo
oh honey.
B! you are loved... breathe in that light... Ally's comment is perfect. love yourself as others love you, forgive yourself as others forgive.
abrazos- the other B.
I think what yoga does for us is unhinge that shit that we've glued up out of sight. Sometimes it's a beautiful tie-dyed colorful gossamer shawl that bathes us in beauty, sometimes is the things we've left to rot. But breath knocks it loose and it cascades whether we are ready or not.
"I'm sorry" is one of the most powerful phrases ever.
You are worth the patience and the time. You are worthy of love and laughter. You have walked many miles, but your eyes have to keep trained on the path ahead, not behind.
I love you very much and know what an amazing woman you are. Mama, lover, friend, kin sister...all of those things wrapped into one. :)
You and I are so alike in that we want the fix...the immediate solution when really sitting on it..moving through it is what drives introspection, reflection and with it better days..I can say after "waiting the storm out" for the past year I've learned there is value in the sitting, in feeling without judgement or remorse or guilt... I believe Gandhi's words You can be the change you wish to see in the world...love you
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