rewind

there are these moments with ryder (and i'm so grateful for them, maybe even greedy) that melt me so completely. where i think how did i get this amazing soul in my life? how can it be that i'm the one who gets to grow him and the one who grows because of him. when my love for him is so strong, i think, oh please, please let me never forget this moment, that look in his eyes when he looks up at me with those huge brown saucer eyes, or the way he clasps my hand as we tromp in the pouring rain, peering into drains to see if they are flowing. his lilting voice and pure sweetness. i want to freeze time. never let him grow up.

maybe therein lies the challenge...letting him grow up. it's a tough one for me to do. he's got this way that is as pure as he was from the moment he arrived. this wonderment and belief in his spirit. friday we sat together on the overcrowded metro bus, wet to our skin from the downpour. normally the ride is always too long for my liking, yet not this time. i could've sat on that bus forever with him.

these are the the moments i need to be able to call upon when i'm having other moments - those of total exasperation. where i just can't seem to muster up the mama patience i need or do all the mama things i want to do. so today, seems i lost the thread, that delicate string that winds around us. today i let it unravel a bit. hoping to somehow rewind and find myself...back to the place i was when i started this post a few days ago.