in just 5 days the little dude will be four. he's so happy about the thought of turning four. largely due to his deep love for numbers and sequence, but also because he's somehow decided that he will get a leggo thomas train, and a new fan, and 2 new airplanes. so funny. so bright, so kind, sweet and at times, so elsewhere. i often wonder about the complexity of the little dude's mind. now that he's getting older his *nuances* seem more prominent when he's with his peer group. though they don't seem to notice. equally i observe his amazing progress over the last year. he's getting older and has made tremendous improvements, though he still seems so fragile and small to me....my baby (how can he be turning four?) each day he goes to school, rides the bus, spends time with his sitter...all without me, in fact i think some of his success in this new chapter of his life is because he's without me.each day i wake up and wish i could be the one helping him navigate this life of his (shit, for that matter i'm still trying to navigate mine).
each day my heart breaks when he says "mama are you staying?" which he answers quickly, with "nooooo...i don't want mama go to go work.....and then the quick resolution, "mama...would you sit behind me?" (referring to his morning circle time at preschool). the people who interact with him on a daily basis, (some that never see me) do they know how much i wish i was there?
each night i play with him from the minute i walk in the door until our last hug and kiss goodnight. each night i lay out his clothes, pack his little red bag for school and the bus ride -- making certain he has all the little snacks i know he likes. in the morning, he'll smell good from last nights bath, he'll put on his red crocs, pick a toy for the day to bring to school so it can sit on the shelf and "watch" him. i hope his teachers notice this and understand how much i care, how much he means to me. do they know the tug my heart feels as i leave the morning circle in a crazed dash to the city in time for *early-bird* parking? shifting gears from the mama who's growing a boy, to the woman who's growing a career.
i want them to know that the fleeting person they see
blow in and out of their classroom while the other mommies sit in their comfy clothes chatting away...that this woman is consumed by love for this little guy.
8 comments:
Beautiful. Anyone that has seen you knows your love for the little dude. We love and miss you. Three cheers for the guy!!!!!! And three cheers for Mama who has made it this far and with such resounding strength and success.
Love you!!!
They sit it, B. They'd have to be blind not to.
can't wait to celebrate his four years of life it has touched mine in so many ways! Happy birthday Ryder!
Hello! I meant to say "They SEE it." Sorry about the typo. Clearly I needed to go to bed earlier last night instead of reading blogs!
lm, ally, smama, each of you have helped me shape the little dude's life so much. cheers to each of you!
Happy 4th Birthday Little Dude! I remember the call I received the day you were born that left me wondering, "who is this new person in Bridget's life? How bizarre to have a complete stranger become your whole raison d'etre in one moment. When will I meet him? What will he be like?" Who knew he'd turn out to be such a precious addition to us all. Ok, so maybe we never wondered that. We all knew he'd be a pretty rockin kid.
Happy Day to you- I hope you get a new, exciting fan!
Hi. I'm late in wishing happy birthday, but I'm indulging right now before I go to bed by reading your blog.
Your little dude is so cyute. Your pretty gorgeous too yo. I'm not hitting on you. I'm just saying.
I miss my son so much when I'm away that it feels like I'm not breathing. Then when I'm finally home, I actually have to remind myself to stop screwing around (checking email?? blogs???) and focus on the little boy that I've been pining away for all day. It's hard to wind down after work for me.
I just had that depressing thought today, that our nanny is probably doing a better job of providing consistency and care for my son than I would have done as a first time mom. Isn't that messed up? I don't know if it's true, but none of it makes sense sometimes.
momomax - thanks for the comment and b-day wishes. thanks for the props too! from your mouth to some amazingly kind, smart, gorgeous mans ears!
and to the last part, i completely hear you. i miss the little dude, feel pangs of guilt for leaving and yet, sometimes relish in my alone time once he's down. i think some of that has to do with always being *on* no matter where you are, you're always a mom. so it can be hard to resist the pull of email, or in my case a dirty kitchen. i fight the urge as best i can, i get the feeling you do too. and when i can't, well that's what the *special box* is for. a tupperware bin filled with a variety of boxes all containing a toy. i swap out the items and he revels in each new find. so funny.
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