tears fall

where did the summer go? these hot days fool me into thinking it's still here. cool mornings remind me of the truth, fall is steadily creeping in. kids in the neighborhood with their new school shoes and over-sized backpacks holding hands with their mamas as they walk to a corner to wait for the big yellow school bus.

yesterday felt like summer. a morning birthday party at the park, followed by a long day at the beach. running, laughing, spinning. sand spilling out of our clothes as we got ready for bed. the ocean and sand felt far away this morning. in a loft sat a boy, now 5, no longer in preschool. now in transitional kindergarten. an amazing program for him. a beautiful blended class of kids with special needs and those without. teachers with welcoming voices and an inviting, predictable routine that helps settle the little nervous minds.

the boy, still happy from the previous day at the beach sat eating blueberries and pancakes. quickly the moment passed. now tears spill into his syrup with the news that today would be the first day i wouldn't ride the bus and join him in circle time. "but maaaama, i want you to ride the bus, pleeeeeaze, i need you to. i'm nervous mama. pleeeeaze." i know baby. it's hard to do something new. but you can do this. we review the route, talk about who will be waiting at the kindergarten tree to take him in to school. after 20 minutes of hugging and finding a special soft friend to ride with him, a tear-stained, freshly dressed boy holds my hand on the sidewalk.

the air is cool as we stand, hands clasped waiting for the small yellow school bus. as it pulls up, his lip drops down. his eyes are filled as he walks up the daunting bus steps. every ounce of him wants to stay with me. his body twists back toward mine while his legs betray him and continue to move forward. we buckle up. you can do this baby. you know where miss D is going now. you know the way to your school. look for the draw bridge. and then after school you can tell mama and M if it was up or down. his voice cracks, looking down he replies quietly, "ok mama".

i walk off the bus, feeling just as he did getting on. hand to hand on opposite sides of the bus window. we blow a kiss as the bus slowly moves away. crack. there went my heart. tears spill again, this time all over the sidewalk.