is now this little boy...
i can't believe he is in the first grade. rather, i don't want to believe. i don't want time to keep stealing my baby away from me. i want it to just slow the hell down or at least pause here and there so i'm sure i took it all in. that i truly savored each moment of his yumminess, because right now i feel my baby slipping away and instead i'm left with this boy standing in his place. sigh. admittedly he is a sweet and kind boy. one that still fills me up so much my heart cracks wide open. amazing how the love grows isn't it? i welcome the change and mourn the loss all at once.
i don't know who had more butterflies, mama or the little dude. i felt my eyes well up as tears slid down his face on our walk to the new school. he talks quietly in a strained, rough manner as we repeat our mantra about why school is a safe place for kids while mamas work and how he would be OK. i listen to the apprehension as he reviewed again and again how the day would unfold. i may have the only kid who was happy for the rain as it meant maybe, just maybe there would be a rainy day recess since a big playground is simply too overwhelming for this sensory child.
we wait in the gym for the teachers to line up. ridiculous i think. just let us walk our kids to their class. these are the moments that grate on me, making me want to scream, don't you get it people, we need some calm order here! regardless there we are, with the rest. the noise echos, the spaces fill in and as his lip quivers he buries his head in my legs. i sink down to kneel and let him sit on my lap. deep breaths. yet from this level, i am able to see things through his eyes. and the world does seem at times, to be too much. many conversations, volume growing as words fly around the room. people moving in all directions. this building, this room with so many doors in or out and no clear route of where to go and how to get there. when i pause and let it flow through me, as he may experience it, i feel how life must seem blurry at times, moving too fast...it's like that feeling of being lost in a town you've never been in.
we breath in and out together, slowing it down, tuning it out. my hand reaches for his to hold as we stand. we exchange our secret handshake, tapping out, i love you. i love you.
quietly he is reminded that all will be OK. for him. and for me too.
3 comments:
getting down on his level and feeling the vibrations and noise as he does really makes it real doesn't it? and it is tough for all these little guys to manage the crazy stimuli that a school day brings. you are a great mama loving him exactly the way he needs to be loved. And that is more important than anything else
Oh, B. So beautiful. tears are welling up for you guys. my favorite saying now is "don't worry, everything is going to be amazing."
I also heard this on the radio yesterday: "everything is not yet revealed."
same saying, different words.
Oh. My heart.
I feel your pain and fear and confidence, across all these miles.
Thinking of you; so much more than you know.
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