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wake up naked drinking coffee making plans to change the world
while the world is changing us, it was good good love
you used to laugh under the covers, 
maybe not so often now
but the way I used to laugh with you, 
was loud and hard 
stay or leave
i want you not to go, but you should
  - DMB
 
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the story that began early one morning on highway 2 climbing into the cascades, is coming to a close years later on the same highway. as we made our way down our hearts were heavy with the words we shared. it was the start of a new conversation. what i thought was a one-way road, is a dead-end. our hearts can hold many loves, experiences, memories of times gone by. we can love many, yet not half-way.

one week ago you opened a door and another closed. all that was now feels like a dream. we are waking up. what will we find? what will become of you? of me? i haven't been able to face the reality of that. i couldn't breathe. one week later, i am still gasping for air.  i've been treading far too long and the ocean of sadness is about to swallow me up.

so much shattered. chard's of glass everywhere. i'm left picking up the pieces, at least the big ones. impossible to get them all.  but i must. pick myself up. at least to my knees and begin to clean up.

over the months the connection between my mind and heart have grown farther apart. today they are disconnected. i'm spinning, wondering what is true, what was true. so many questions unanswered. my mind slips between clarity and a thick fog. my heart is racing, bleeding. yours, searching for answers, seeking an old vision.

we went to mexico. the first time we sat. a future was born. the second time we surfed. yet all the while i was still dreaming of a future, you've been dreaming of a past. both set unrealistic expectations that pushed us underwater, forcing us to lose the magic of the ride, the wave of the present moment.

already the little dude is restless, sensing change. waking from his nightmares he crawls into my now open bed. as i embrace this pure soul, my hurt grows along with the bitterness that is wrapped in compassion for us all. so i tell myself if i just keep moving, keep doing something it won't hurt so much. yet no matter where i move, what i do, it finds me, wandering from room to room, i contemplate that notion of facing our fears, sitting with them. something i haven't been able to do.  instead i kept it at a distance, i move from one place to the next, go go go...but where? where are we going? i've been so afraid of letting go for fear it would  mean i would lose this life we created, the plan, the planet. we moved into a new space thinking it would be a better space, free of suffering. and when the problems refused to go away, we told ourselves we were stuck and we look for ways to get moving again. buddha says this logic only leaves us alone, exhausted and disheartened. we need to be still, look inside to see, what we seek we already are.

my heart cannot catch up to my head, not yet. no words or ancient wisdom provide solace. so here i am, unable to move, watching you move.

i think i will go under for a bit. slip to the bottom and let these waves crash over me. allow myself to bleed. because for me, this was real, a wish granted. with eyes closed, heart open i jumped and i was in. completely. i believed.

you've forced me out of the current we'd been in. pushed me into the deep waters. am i drowning? maybe... for now. soon though it will be time to float. one day i'll swim. i must. for the little dude. for me.

if life is a novel, so many chapters yet unread, then there is more to the story. this was only a section. it is time for another chapter to be written. let's step away from all the editing and get back to the creating.

so perhaps this is where we end. 

and where i begin. one page at a time.