daddy day - why bother

so the typical conversation (conversation is a stretch here) with the little dude's dad usually goes something like this....

sometime mid-week, sometime mid-month...after several emails requesting a tiny bit of information, merely an idea of when he might be in town, to which i get no reply. oh how i refrain from going on and on here...

Round 1

text from him - i am on my way....i really hope you'll let me see him, it is THE ONLY reason i am making the trip.

i prefer not to have any messages from him in my in-bin...so i reply with a call, that sounds something like this.

me - when will you be here?
him - ummm....either this weekend or not for another 2 months....depends, are you going to be around this weekend???
me - yes....no plans really.
him - oh, well i have a chance to go water skiing....soooo...i may just do that instead.
me - okay, well is you find yourself here, do you want to see him?
him - OF COURSE...shit B...give me a fuckin' break. you're the one who makes it so tough. if you'd let me i'd take him all day.

2 days later, repeat above (he's known to repeat everything and remember nothing) he decides he will in fact arrive late so wants to make a plan for the next morning.

me - uh-huh, okay, so lets say 9:30 on saturday...
him - okay. whatever you say boss (a term he uses in jest)
me - lets meet at the park, that way i can go for a run from there.

next day...9:20.....mama and little dude arrive at the park

9:55 daddy arrives, in a mood....little dude cries, "no mama- i don't want you to go for a run" "i don't want a daddy day".
9:57 daddy says to little dude, who do you want to play with, me or mama.
9:57 little dude - "mama"

9:57 mama reeling from this, this very wrong on so many levels situation unravelling in front of me....completely stuck for words...(well the proper ones anyway).

9:58 daddy - okay, see ya later and walks off.
9:59 mama...thinking FUCK FUCK FUCK WTF!!!!!!!
10:00 little dude - "where did daddy go?"
10:00 mama (i know where i'd like him to go) he decided he needed to go home, he wasn't feeling well. (HA!) i know when i have plans to play with someone and they change their mind i sometimes feel sad.
little dude ponders this one...."mama would you not go for a run?"

10:01 mama - looks like we will both go for a run....(insert image of mama running with jogger - thanks to my rockin' neighbor and friend, little dude eating snacks while listening to a book on cd....with each mile, see the anger fall off mama and she runs and runs and runs).

following this mini-disaster, a long talk ensued in which daddy decided he needed a break, feels bad, won't do it again, but needs some time to get some things done (what does that mean?) and won't be back until the fall.

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Round 2 - oh, fall already? in july?

him -i'll be in town saturday, so can i take him all day? i've got tickets to the baseball game (something of no interest to the little dude)
me - okay...so what time? 10?
him - how about 11, well actually can you feed him first? let's say noon, i've got things to do in the morning.
me - sure (secretly happy to have my saturday morning with the little dude, as well as knowing it's a rough start for him to begin the day saying goodbye to me.) have him home by 5:00.
him - okay. bye.

3 hours 37 minutes into their visit...ring ring ring..

me - hey
him - where are you?
me - out, (read FREE without child!) aren't you at the game
him - yes, but when will you be home, he wants to see you.
me - i thought we said 5:00
him - well do you think you can get home, he wants you.
me - okay...yeah

so "all day" lasted 3 hours 57 minutes. lovely. just 3 minutes shy of what would've been a record time on his own with his son. why was "all day" cut short? per daddy, the little dude was frustrating him b/c he wouldn't sit through all the innings!
REEAAALLLY? well imagine that! SHOCKER!

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Round 3

him - i am coming to town in a few days, when can i see him?
me - okay.....(i thought you said you'd be gone until fall!) when do you get here and what are you thinking?
him - friday night, late, i'll take as much time as you'll give me
me - well, i know your mom would like to see him, how about a sleepover on saturday at your mom's?
him - ummmm...well i have lots of work to do
me - uh-huh, okay well, do you think you could do it once he's in bed? (7:30 people!)
him - well, uh, i've got a date that night.
me - okay, so again, can't you do that after he's down with your parents?
him - well it will last all night, jesus b. i made plans okay!
me - ah, okay, i was going with the "as much time as you'll give me comment".
him - well i made plans already, you should've said something earlier when i told you i was coming. (which was all of 1 day ago)
me - okay then, how does saturday morning for a few hours work?
him - good. 10:00?
me - sure.

me, seconds later, angry at him, myself and sad for my little dude who will happily rise in the morning,welcoming the laziness of a saturday and the knowledge of uninterrupted mama time, only to be quickly disappointed to learn about the prospect of a daddy day.

***added after originally writing - he did show up, an hour late and complained about being so busy and didn't want to do anything the little dude offered up rather, the best he could do was to go for a walk, maybe to lunch for about an hour.

***note to reader-- this is not your "typical" divorce situation, this is not a great man, trying to be a great dad, not even close. this is a man who disappeared for nearly 2 years, though not without creating major anguish, and hassle in my life and unpredictability in my little dude's. as of late he has resurfaced to "be around his son". of course, when it gets down to the actual time with his son, he is often late, changes his mind, or demands time on days when we have (known by him) commitments.

and yes, we have a parenting plan,(a good one, since i wrote it!) and no, he has no idea what it is, nor would he ever be capable of following it. he can barely do beyond himself, let alone commit to firm days /times. my attempts to create boundaries seem futile and only result in a barrage of harassment from him. he pops into town for a few days or more, then leaves for a month or more. his absence is a relief. there are times when he is generous with his time and in a *good* mood. offering to help with anything he can, attempting to be friends. this is when i think, well, he seems sincere, yay, perhaps he has turned the bend and CAN be a kind dad, and potentially a decent parenting partner with me, oh how quickly the tides turn, leaving me completely unprepared for backlash of the scorned-spouse storm. I remind myself that while we were married he disrespected me, so why the hell would i expect more of him now that we are divorced. silly silly girl.

i don't have the energy, time or finances to enforce something through court, no do i ever want to go back and for the most part his rhetoric is just in an effort to piss me off. (obviously effective this time) he is a man of many many many words and NO action. you won't read many posts about this, because net-net, i have accepted this from him and strangely, feel sad for him, this man i've known for most my life. i find myself praying for him to find his way so he too can bask in the glow of our little dude. i remind myself that i can only do what i can do and my little dude will survive. he is cherished and loved by many. the two of us have a peaceful life, a deep bond and a damn good time together. but there are times, when burning sage, breathing, and letting go, simply aren't enough. this is one of those times, and for that i hope there will be the release i seek in writing this post.