for the most part, my anger has long since dissipated and i find myself living with acceptance of what is and happiness on those days between. my gut tells me he is sick, out-of-balance. some say bi-polar, depressed, something is off for certain. there is truly NO communicating with him. things are *okay* so long as i keep quiet. his sanity falters, his moods shift faster than the blades rotating on my living room fan.
he can't see that. refuses to, believes "it's everyone else....everyone else has turned on him".
out of these frustrating moments, i find myself in a reflective head-space. the type you get in after you lose your rhythm, momentarily fall out-of-step. as i sit, i can't help but wonder how it is i could've been someone so completely different than the woman i am today. how, the person i was 7 years ago, was a woman that somehow became so weak, so blind, so scared, that the thought of being alone became something to fear and then transformed into distorted thoughts of never finding someone, never connecting, never growing, never becoming a mother. these thoughts were so powerful, so LOUD, my vision was obscured, i had no compass and completely lost my way. i don't recognize that woman....and though my heart breaks for her, concurrently i find i don't really like her. she made choices out of fear. all that she feared didn't go away, rather came on, full-force. and then in the midst of it all came this new life. and late one evening, with his tiny 4-month old hand tenderly placed on my face, he pulled me out of my fog, and sent a chilling wake-up call to my soul. this new life. a beautiful, pure, treasured new life, in one fleeting moment imparted such clarity.
this magical boy deserved steadiness, not 7 different homes in his first 3 years. and the thought of all the moves, the many abrupt changes, and too many variables to list, remind me that i don't like her, that weak, scared woman. i don't want her to occupy my space. the space i created out of nothing. the balanced unbroken place we now live in, breathe in, and believe in.
seeing his father reminds me of that woman, how she betrayed me, and abandon the person i once was prior to my life with him. his behavior reminds me time and again of how he stole that free and trusting spirit. i made a mistake and the duality of it haunts me. he was the worst mistake i've ever made. and the complexity of how i ended up there still evades me.
because here i am, eternally grateful for my mistake. without it, i'd be without the greatest force in my life. my little dude. my beloved, kind, unique, remarkable, heart-melting, delicious little boy. a miraculous gift. a life-altering, awakening, life-saving gift.
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a lodgepole pine tree can grow in all sorts of environments; from water-logged bogs to dry sandy soils. it needs extreme heat (eg a forest fire) for the cones to open and release the seeds, and thereby sustain itself. it is the first to grow after a fire.
the fire my marriage created burned everything to the ground. like the lodgepole pine, it was the only way i would be released and learn to sustain my life. the reckless fire cleared everything in its course and revealed a new path. and the life it offers, continues to unfold, grow and sustain me.
8 comments:
I used to thinkthe scariest thing in life was being alone...I still do, but I know that I can be alone if I have to be. After my divorce, I lost all of my old convictions because they all turned out to be complete crap. I was nodding my head as I read your post. I know what that's like to find out who you are. My husband and I always tell each other that I wasn't ready to fall in love for real until I had gone through the travesty of my first marriage to understand who I really was.
That was really great. I am so glad I found your blog.
this is really beautiful and you are very, very brave. your little dude is very lucky, sister.
Had to re-read this a few times and figure out how you wrote the words I had sealed into my heart.
Beautiful.
All of it.
Bgirl, it is hard to imagine you ever being that woman. I've only known you post-fire, with the seeds of your strength and beauty blowing free. It is such a blessing to know you, and such a privilege to call you friend.
You know how thrilled I am to have the old B back, not that scared, unsure ghost who justified and justified the worst possible of situations. Because you are so strong and have such a huge will you did survive, it made you solid, grounded, a force. In some ways I regret not taking you firmly, trying to force you see the truth of your situation, but I also know in hindsight that the only thing that could alter your state was the little dude. He's a life-saver!
gracias chicas. kind words.
B, the lodgepole pine is such a beautiful metaphor for your life, and your resilience despite it all....this post reminds me of the words you once told me, "sometimes you can't see the moon until the barn burns down"
Another fabulous post. I would only add that it only takes a few seconds to know that you are not that person from 7 years ago. Not even a few seconds for what I do is quick and easy and it is so obvious. Everything tells me when I do this that you are "allllll good" now and everything will indeed be alright (Isn't that a Bob Marley song?). Anyway, what I do is look at your picture and your smile. Bgirl, you are happy and I am so happy for you!
Your Friend,
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