look ahead and paddle

decisions.

the unraveling of decisions.

i've spent the last 3 years making incredibly tough ones. some that I'm only now feeling the peace of. For the most part, they've all worked out as they should. as my dear friend TJ said to me, "it's like climbing B or paddling...the worst part is that influx, that point just before you commit, once you commit, you're fine, you're in it and from there, you've got nothing left to do but look ahead and paddle."

the past year has brought many decisions and the next is sure to bring more. i've recently struggled, like many of you, over the choices of childcare. finding the right place or person for our little ones to grow and live outside the reach of our arms is not a decision one makes lightly. it is even further complicated when your little one has ASD. more than ever I need to find a soft, safe landing for him. an accepting, patient environment. he'd been in the developmental preschool, which was a wonderfully safe place with caring, smart teachers. yet, because the program is free, it is not flexible, and they made a change in the schedule that does not map to mine. amazing how many childcare options are out there and how few are any good. those that are, come with a price and it isn't very palatable for a single income. so I've been back on the search. seeking a place where the social waters are calm enough for him to splash in the mix with his peers, without the fear of the social communication undertow sucking him under. no easy feat for a kid who is cautious and kind and tracks on a different wavelength, which is a pace a bit slower than those his age. as he gets older, his social conversation 'challenges' become more apparent. other 4-year olds don't understand why this smiling little boy isn't answering them, commanding the attention they do, or truly truly joining in their game. though he loves to be with them, he often isn't really with them.

fortunately I did find a place, a safe, nurturing, easy paced in-home montessori with a kind, open-hearted teacher who spent much time getting to understand who he is and what he needs in order to succeed and then with an open mind, welcomed him into her small, peaceful classroom. this environment coupled with his groovy-kind-funkadelic-free-spirited-purple-long-haired-love-of-his-life-sitter, is the best combination i could hope for.

then there's the more recent struggle of how i should spend my days away from him, is the frantic pace of long hours, urgent URGENT deadlines that have me working past midnight most nights (hence my intermittent posts!) really worth the future promise it claims to hold? which these days, in my office seems to be a moving target that changes and morphs minute by minute, bringing with it another new boss with arrogance and high-demands and no compassion for the single-working-mama. hmmmmm....maybe like the little dude, i too need a safe, nurturing, easy paced place with a kind, open-hearted teacher who spends time to understand who i am and what i need in order to succeed. of course i'd be pretty pleased to find a groovy-kind-funkadelic-free-spirit as well! ...i suppose we never outgrow that need.

thanks to little monkies for turning me on to the book "why nice girls don't get the corner office" mind opening and sadly true. i took its learning's into action, drove my proposal through. and though effective, i quickly found myself in new territory, a haze of indecision and mixed signals flooded me. i'm not good with indecision...don't like it....after a few pauses in my mental chase, a few good cathartic convos in my head, on paper and with friends, some reading between the lines , a clear hard look at the road ahead....more pauses.... and then...BAM.... what seemed so out of my grasp, was suddenly so obvious. haze lifted, decision made. whew....on to a new journey within the same building. the ability to come and go as needed. unchartered waters yet with freedom to shore as needed. with the promise to travel, travel to places I have never been. though most of these would be without the little dude, (not necessarily a bad thing, just a hard thing) while the little dude is still little, they will be infrequent. but for a woman who has felt cornered with no NO breathing room for the past several years, this feels like the exact frequency i need.

so....in the words of my little dudes traveling book...i leave you with this...
"how do we get from place to place? sometimes fast, sometimes slow, we walk, we run, away we go......"