yet, even with that heavy dose of pure love, there are those times i think, this is too much for me, i can't do it, truly i am not strong enough, not disciplined enough, not smart enough, not kind enough, not awake enough.....i need more time to grow, more time to myself, more time to learn, to breathe...in those times i imagine that somehow the universe gave me someone else's script. see mine is the one where the woman has evolved to all she wants to be, where the mama gets to spend more time with her little one, take early morning runs, spend more mornings snuggling close for a bit longer. where the mama has the time to really make a difference, energy to play out all the games, ideas, i hear and see other mamas doing. the one where the woman has more than the intimacy of a child as her confidante. and shamefully, the one where the child isn't out of sync, the one where i'm not the translator, the shelter, the safety net, the one, the only one. yet without fail, when i'm feeling at my lowest emotional ebb, i am reminded of the gift of impermanence.
i have a moment with the little dude, and all those those sinking feelings fall away and i'm suddenly in this magical, transformational place in time. do you believe in the transfer of energy? the little dude has this infallible ability to pass his raw emotions, his never-ending optimism, his blind trust, his intense love, right through me. he 'awakens' me.
the strength returns to me with each *butterfly kiss, starfish kiss, nose-to-nose, cheek-to-cheek* moment he imparts on me. he fills my soul each day when i return home from our time apart , the exuberant run toward me -- his arms thrown back in a *hug-ready-position* an open, full faced smile -- pure delight, "mama! mama! mama! maaaama you came back" he swoons as he envelops me in his arms, his little body folds into mine, his cheek pressed to mine.
sometimes it's in the most unexpected moment.....like tonight, the little dude
requested bubbles before his bath...."sure thing munch"...so there we are, watching the bubbles float up up up into the air, singing *the bubble song* popping them with our fingers, our toes, tummy! and then i offer, "let's pop them with our nose"...as a bubble pops on his nose, the little dude proclaims, "oohhhh .... she kissed me!" and bam, there it is....that moment when you think is it possible to be this lucky to have just heard something so damn yummy that you actually feel your heart melt.
who is this magical kid?
will he always have this gentle nature, this compassion for all things around him? this ability to transform the human spirit. if so many things about him are *hard-wired*, part of his neurological make-up, will this gift be one of them? please let this be his essence i silenty wish as i watch him interact with his world, feeling grateful to be the one.
4 comments:
I loved this... made me cry and smile all at once, some great writing..
This is so beautiful and well-written.
well said- I could almost feel the little dude as you spoke and remember his yummy, lovey spirit from when we last said goodbye
oh noes! I'm crying!
I have a 14 month old son. I really loved this. I feel the same way but haven't been able to corral all the gooey gushy mommy sentiment to write about it yet.
Post a Comment