"well" he continues, "you're a cool chic....you're funny, and smart......pretty and a spinner girl"...."so.....are you difficult? or are you just picky?...which is it?" he questions, "cause i just can't figure it out."
figure what out? i reply
why you are single.
seriously, shit, i have no good answer for that. perhaps i am difficult, after all i am a taurus. a bit strong-willed, perseverant, and admittedly stubborn at times, though i do cave, really i do!
picky, well lets say i'm particular. the word picky carries with it such a negative vibe as if to say you're hard to please or demanding....okay, i've been known to be too demanding. but i'm not hard to please, in fact quite the opposite. in my earlier years, sure, but as of late, the aforementioned has reversed itself, revealing an appreciative, grateful and happy woman, who is moved by even the simplest kind gesture. picky no. particular yes. especially when it comes to a man, yes. absolutely.
so what is it i think. perhaps it has to do with being a single parent. a busy full-time working single parent. no matter your path, it's pretty tough to find a person you really connect with on multiple levels as an individual. that becomes even trickier when you're a parent. there's just not a whole lot of single men hanging out at the sandbox. and when most men see a woman with a little one, the assumption is, she must be married. some believe a single-mom must have somehow quit her relationship, after all why wouldn't anyone make it work when kids are involved. to those i would say, you can never know another persons circumstance. sometimes it is because a child is involved that ending it is a better option than living with an unsteady, undermining ghost of a partner/father. other men see a woman with a child as too much responsibility. the thought of an add-water family is too much. their loss i say, if only they understood that a person can exist as both an individual and as a parent. being a parent can even make for a more centered, compassionate, free-spirited individual. one that can see magic in the mundane, drink in the beauty life has to offer thanks to the wisdom one gleans when viewing the world through the perspective of a child.
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i recently took a road trip with my parents, something i don't recommend, at least if my dad is the one driving. i'm not even sure you could call what he does driving. it is truly a religious experience as you pray to arrive safely at your destination. but environmentally speaking, why burn the gas of two cars when you can pile into one. so we set off on a pilgrimage to canada for my sweet young cousins' wedding (which was far and away the most touching-romantic-dance-your ass-off good-time wedding i've attended). sitting in the back seat on the drive home, listening to the periodic bickering between my parents over which way to go, how to drive..and all the your father never listens to me, he must think i'm an idiot....against the recent image of the vibrant and loving exchanges between the bride and groom got me thinking about the evolution of long-terms relationships. we celebrate love and partnership. yet, many when partnered, yearn for the days when they were free. the human condition.
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this time around, i embrace my single hood, the challenges and rewards that come from being the writer, director, producer and actor in my script of life. i am able to evolve as an individual. i've learned so much and crave more. of course those feelings are balanced with the thought of sitting, kicked-back in some camp-style chair with my bare feet placed upon the cool thigh of an interesting, thought-provoking, sincere and sexy man while we swap stories of the past and present over a glass (or bottle) of wine.
so i think the answer to my friends' question, is "no reason". there is no reason. the more i try to answer the *whys* in my life (why didn't i travel more, why did i say yes to the wrong guy, why didn't i believe in myself, why was i so willing to let the woman i'd become go, why didn't i leave sooner, why did it take all that to release me, to teach me, why do i still scrape to get by (damn cost of childcare) why isn't it getting easier, why am i doing this alone, why is the little dude on the spectrum, why why why!) the more i end up right back where i started, there simply isn't always an answer, nor should there be. it just is. and it is painful, challenging and unfair. it is also beautiful, perplexing, and rewarding. and that my friend, for now, is a good reason.
11 comments:
i love how you examine from all angles the question your co-worker asks you. lots of great lines in this one... your parents bickering in the car cracked me up i've had many of those roll your eyes car rides and there are not too many single men hanging out at the sandbox another funny one..some good stuff here Bgirl and no easy answers your right.
Bgirl, I loved this post. Like Mamacita, I love how you really sought to answer your friend's question, pondering from many different perspectives. The contrast between the wedding and the car-ride was hilarious yet disturbing & thought-provoking. We all wish that we could live and love like our wedding day, for always, but that's not how it works, is it? I agree with your conclusion, too. It just is, there is no reason, other than it is, and the question becomes, how do you respond to this reality. I think you're responding very well, growing as a person, taking this time to figure yourself out and become who you want to be. I love you for that.
Amen, amen, amen.
It is so empowering and such a blessing to be able to look at life and be content, beyond content, with your picture.
And if there is a next time, I'm confident that it will be far, far greater than anything I've experienced before--I know myself inside and out, and it sounds like you do, too.
Additionally--did you mean THE gin blossoms?
Of, hey, jealousy and allison road?
So jealous.
smamacita - you and me, we like to think, think, think about things, i love that you always join in the thinking with me!
ally - you bring up a good point, how we choose to respond to our realities. this one is tough for me, i feel like i'm still figuring that one out.
jenn - yes
THE Gin Blossoms. "found out about you...."
you'll be happy to know, i was their *cameo* tambourine girl. seriously good times. they played all the songs you list, sang into peoples phones to leave vmails etc. good guys.
would it make you even more jealous to know a group of us even had a few drinks with them after the party? ;)
this is awesome. you aren't afraid to crack it open and take a good deep look. and move bravely forward.
wonderful post.
so honest. and so wise.
I tried to comment on here the other day and couldn't...it was my computer freaking out on me again.
SO glad to meet you...what a wonderful way to get introduced to you...with this post. Awesome!
sieber, i see you started a blog so cool can't wait to check it out :)
aside from the strange question, I am impressed at your analytical prowess. when I self-analyze, I usually come up with some diagnosis doozies. I think I came up with borderline personality once to explain why I was unhappy with my first marriage, then I resorted to the good old standby of my parents as scapegoats for whatever was wrong with that relationship.
there really is no way to understand why we find ourselves where we are. I remember finding myself in a state of mind that just blew away everyone who knew me after my divorce. I had always been a perfectionist and an overachiever until I realized that there was no way to control most things in my life. they just happened.
this may sound completely retarded, but I really think that you find happiness when you're not looking for it. I also think that you're happy, without knowing enough about you to really know, but I love recognizing certain sentiments in your writing that echo my own experiences.
I finally accepted where I was in life after my great disapointment at not becoming a rock star at the age of 30, and things started happening FOR me. I never expected to be where I am now.
well, enough rambling. yikes, that was a long one.
momomax - thanks for your openness. divorce can rip a person apart, no matter how *right* it is. once you sort through the anger and blame, it involves taking a hard look at yourself, which is never easy.
appreciate your positive words sistah...and how lucky you are to have found you!
Bgirl, I, too, loved this post. The car-ride was a bit bittersweet for I laughed at the same memories, but also long for them since I've lost one of my parents recently. As for marriage and divorce, I can only relate on the level that I was very close to the latter before seeking help and finding it. After months and months of therapy, I understood more about myself and how my self-destruction was spreading to everything around me, including my marriage. Some big changes were made with the focus being on me, my passions and where I find peace in my life. When those discussions happened (with myself mostly and my therapist), I got "better", made those big changes and, yes, they are getting "better".
Anyway...as a man I would only ask that single mothers be wary of men seeking the "challenge" of single mothers. If a quick fix is needed, I suppose there is no harm to that (to each their own, I suppose). However, I have heard men speak down about single mothers as they seek out and conquer rather than learn to love them and their child/children for the wonderful people that they are. At the same time, one of my best friends from my childhood married a single mother and they have two more children to their name. They are very happy. I still remember the first time he suspected she was a single mother. He told me, "Dude, I saw a babyseat in the back of her car!". I said, "Uh..yeah...so" and he still thanks me for that comment for it helped him look past that and truly into her as a wonderful human being, as well as her little boy. In short, be wary of the jerks, but rest assured their are some princes disguised as frogs. :)
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