this is a used book. it has been read many times. i flip the pages back and forth, reading and re-reading previous chapters, so much so that several years ago the pages fell out. it's been put back together, wrapped in a new cover and today, on a plane to mallorca, i am entering a new chapter.
chapters 18-21 detail a young woman, a bit unsure, but willing to find a way. a life of school. new friends. jam bands. camping. long road-trips. hippy vans. incredible experiences.
chapters 22-25 include moves, winters of skiing and boarding every day, summers where rollerblading was a main mode of transportation. great coffee mornings at java, a new puppy dog over a beer, cross-country skiing into yurts, crazy lady friends, crystal mining, jewelry making, more hiking than i've ever done since, hot springs, and lots of hippy souls enjoying life in this amazing mountain town. skipping over to the hawaiin islands for a spring of windsurfers, waves, water, beach, quiet. journeying to alaska, solo trips, leading strangers across the last frontier into the midnight sun.
chapter 26-29 began somewhat the same, snowy winters though this time in montana. new best friends who still reside in that town and forever in my heart. rollerblades were replaced with a beach cruiser, cross-country skis for climbing gear. more tents, more camping, more free-spirited hearts connecting, good people, tree planters, trail keepers, rock finders and givers, the best pool games and partners. big laughs, big tears. truest of friends. my first house. my first “real” job. though i still wonder who defines that? the most real job i’ve had didn’t pay, but man was it real. if you asked, i would tell you that each chapter was the best, and yet each one was better than the one before, and every one has words that are forever written in my soul.
listening to those words can make me ache as i try to remember what they felt like when they were occuring.
chapter 29 is where i left the door open for confusion and betrayal, and in they came. disbelief found its way into a heart that was growing fearful of a life alone. reading those chapters, today, i am shouting at myself, the heroine of this novel, because now my eyes and heart are clear and i want to stop her from what's up ahead. yet i wouldn't have listened. i had hiked to the top of my experiences and was heading off course, it was disorienting, and as real as a steep dirt hill when the rain hits, i slipped and couldn't catch my fall. i just wanted something to stop my fall, once i did stop it took me years to realize who had really caught me -- fear. fear is cunning and persuasive. it whispers in your ear while slowly suffocating your spirit. i lost the path back to the top of that hill and into my heart.
chapters 30-33 found me in a strange land. the mountain girl, now a valley girl. dark times followed, then in the late hours of the night, courage, and strength resurfaced. out of all that was weak, came something so strong.
chapter 33 brought me a baby boy. i was reminded that life lead by others, with their voices in your head can leave yours too quiet, and alone. life seen through your heart, seen only through feelings, experiences, well that is quite different and worth fighting for. and so began chapter 34, the chapter of fear and more fear and a small package of hope and belief that fear can be faced and walked directly into. and in fact sitting with fear and deception, over time you’ll find weakens them, they lose their hold. i sat in that valley and then, i walked out, back up the hill, with more than i'd come down with.
chapters 35 brought new fears to face, labels to chase out the door. with passion and conviction, came loss of time, opportunities, freedom. knowledge and advocacy brought tremendous sadness and tremendous love.
chapter 36 transformative, the butterfly wings began to spread. and though they still fluttered too much in one place from time to time, the were moving. healing. accepting this climate. fear never gives up. neither do i. discovering questions of who are we? and answers of who we are.
chapter 37 another opportunity for something new, something unchartered. closeness. intimacy. separations that build confidence. return of the free spirit and choice. this year finds me in many new places. a new role within my company that involves international travel. traveling, something i've longed to do, but couldn't make happen and now, it is happening.
it was just a month ago i officially set some things free, things i'd been carrying for years and recently put aside in the course of the past year, knowing it was time to say goodbye. wondering what would happen if i quit believing some things and began to believe in others. what would happen if i tuned in to the quieter voice, the young womans' from chapter 18 who believed in what was on the inside, searched for meanings beyond those we can see. quit thinking, instead, feel. i'm following her lead, breathing in things i've longed for, that i didn't think would happen. seems like years waiting.
in your book, in my book, and in all these chapters we have, does one skip around picking which chapters they want, or is it the accumulation, the entire story we want? do people want a used book?
no matter how it starts?
5 comments:
It's those used books, worn through the years that show it's worth reading. It's been well loved and shared by many. Although some of the pages may be missing and you might start crying when you reach the middle, it is one you lovingly add to your collection: it is a keeper. As for the ending, well, I can't wait to read it. It will be worth the wait.
Bgirl, this post is amazing. YOU are amazing. I love you more than I can say, and I've dog-eared several of your pages.
i love how you wrote this..interesting to consider... if people really knew you at each of these stages in your life what would that change or should it? either way i think people get who you were who you are even if your circumstances change your core essence never dies...disfrute tu viaje y te espero cuando regreses para una noche de vino y cuentos ricos!
chicas....thank you for the kind words - so blessed to have each of you.
reading the chapers between 18-37 is exciting for i know some (not even the cliff notes version) of the book up to chapter 18. thanks for the brief summary of these 20 years and I, too, look forward to the rest of the story. it is a fantastic read so far and would be preserved and saved in my library for sure.
as for my little used book, i actually look back at chapters 15, 16, 19 and maybe a few others for the crossroad decisions that my "hero" in the story might have made a wrong decision. then again, if a different road was traveled at that time, the whole journey would be changed. it is like "back to the future" and how history cannot be changed for if it is, the future is totally f'd up. it is hard to think of it in that way sometimes, but at chapters 37 & 38, our books are still much closer to the begining then the end. so much more excitement, more crossroads and beautiful memories are yet to be made. i, too, am looking forward to finishing my little book someday. i look forward to reading yours at the same time. thanks for letting me join your little book club. :)
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