wide open

so my sweet neighbor and soul-sistah seattlemamacita, lost a dear dear friend. this friend was full of life, crazy and wild-hearted, the kind of person you want in yours and feel ever-fortunate to know. in saying goodbye, SM put out a prayer and request to those of us she left behind to celebrate her life and do something she would've done. do something you'd never expect of yourself, even if that means wearing clashing colors or sticking your head out the car window and screaming "yes" to the universe.

these thoughts rolled around my head and heart. throw caution to the wind, be crazy, open yourself up to the universe, wide open. learn something from this woman's amazing and too short, life.

only knowing her via SM's stories i did my best to honor this request. last week i donned my flowered/paisley laugh-in style tights, funky boots and twirly mini skirt and set out to embrace the day. my normally carefully straightened hair, running natural and wild with curls. okay stephanie, this one's for you . with pink shades, singing like a rock-star in my car, i drove to work.

filtering through emails, i receive another request from a guy (whom i've never met, but know of through a mutual acquaintance) to meet for coffee. this guy has been emailing me for 2 months to meet up and i pass for one reason or another. i know this is going to sound *picky* but i just have this sense that there is not a connection. maybe this is based on his writing style, his tone, hard to say, just a feeling. hearing the words of my friends, "how can you complain if you don't try", coupled with my mood and his perseverance made me laugh and so, in my crazy hippy meets mod outfit i agreed to meet.
he says "i'll be the guy with the brown sweater and hat, waiting for someone cool and hip." my reply, "you may be waiting a long time!"

so we meet. i won't go into how i knew the minute i saw him that this was not going to happen. instead i smiled and we sat down. now don't get me wrong, he was a nice enough man, despite that he was at least 10-15 years older than me and my mind was shouting what the hell was this woman thinking just as he said, "i can see why she wanted us to meet." so the 45 minutes passed, and i set back to my office. no time to digest as i headed back into meetings. it wasn't really until later that night, when all was quiet i began to reflect on the brief encounter. i felt a bit sad by the meeting (read - sorry for myself). though his life (from what i got in 45 mins) seemed interesting, there was no chemistry, not even the kind that sparks a friendship. and once again i wondered if in this life i am destined to be solo (seriously, after a few glasses of wine it was borderline pathetic) and with a heavy heart i went to bed. sad for myself, but also for my little dude, who is not just a fantastic kid, but a special spirit, and wise soul. how sad that someone, other than me, won't know his pure and powerful inner-energy.

the next day i woke and realized i missed what i was supposed to catch. i lost the feeling i'd set out with. the free-spiritedness i'd felt at the start of my day. i set out to live right then and there, to feel the vibration of the universe, the beauty of living. one cup of coffee and it was gone? this wasn't about who isn't in my life, this is about who is. i am a woman who is surrounded by love, honesty, courage, humor, compassion and strength. i find these traits in the elements around me and in the people i am fortunate enough to call friend. rather than look at what i don't have, i will meet and honor the request to see what i do have, and just how damn precious it is. how quickly it can disappear and change in an instant. and how each moment can lead us to the next, so long as we remain wide-open to all the universe brings, not just what we hope or ask for. and so here i am, wide-open for whatever the universe brings. because so far, i've taken all that's been sent and i'm still standing, dancing, crying, laughing, loving, learning....living!

though i never knew you Miss B, i will never forget you.


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PS - my in-bin had a message the next day with a long email about when we could meet again, how hard i'd made him work for an audience, as well as him adding in, that "for a single-mom, you are pretty hip, even with a pink-knit hat"

i smiled thinking how right my gut was. ("for a single mom" - HA!) and then sent a thoughtful reply wishing him the best on his continued journey, but at this junction, i think it's best to continue on our own paths.