go slow down

numbers...the little dude's latest fascination....happily he counts to 100 on the way to preschool. he sees numbers everywhere, the street signs, house numbers, the seven-11, the 76 gas station and so on, not too mention his constant check-in with the digital clock..."oh whats the clock say?" "she says 8:zero:8, c'mon 9, c'mon 9.....she did it, 8:zero:9! ohhhh what's next....nine-hundred! it iiiiis 900!

driving through the city last week, he spots the speed limit sign...'six-zero' 'sixty mama'. "what is it saying?" "It tells us how fast we can go...how fast we can drive our cars."

"mama where's the sign that tells how slow we can go?"

yeah...i think, where is that sign? i haven't seen it in quite some time in my more recent life, though i wish i would as i go whizzing by my 'younger' days into my 37th year.

Thirty-seven feels a bit overwhelming, and slightly disappointing, not because of the typical *I'm old* feeling, because I actually feel (and look) fairly young (well unless you consider how slowly i move in the morning until that first drop of coffee hits my lips). okay, i admit there are times i feel like my age is something i don't want to own up to....the not-so-kind words of my mother ringing in my ears...too bad you wasted the best years of your life in that horrible marriage....your youth, your beauty..
uh...gee...thanks mom, i'd like to think i am wiser, stronger and courageous, thereby a more beautiful woman than days gone by. yet still, at times those words creep in....leaving me to wonder if she's right. and as i look at the 37 year old woman in the mirror i must remind myself that she's not. what the eye sees isn't nearly enough, the mirror does not give an accurate reflection of my life.

i suppose i find it somewhat discouraging that i could be this far along and still feel like such a beginner at so many things. struggle with what Buddhism refers to as a beginners mind. it has been more than 3 years since i 're-created' my life, yet i still struggle to find the balance, the right balance. of course i know which way i'd like to the scales to go, but then there's that reality of mortgage and all those necessary living expenses. still learning how to carve out more of those yummy mama-child moments -- you know the ones, like crackin' eggs together as you make the worlds-best caterpillar pancakes or freeze-dancing with scarves in your living room...

then there's learning to find the time to escape the routine of my life and welcome in the things i don't yet call routine, like meditating, deep breathing, playing the guitar i bought 4 years ago that sits patiently in the corner, taking more days off to spend making more magic with the little dude.....

how can i be this far along without learning how to go and how to slow down?
go slow down. thanks little dude for reminding me to look for that sign and obey.