the edge

it's one of those weeks, rather months. work is exploding. this is good for the long-term, really tough in the short term. working 13 hour business days. working 24 hour mama days. total exhaustion. the duality of being a happy-energetic mom, available daughter, thoughtful sister, present friend and committed, hard-working, do-what-takes employee to a stressed out, exhausted, grumpy, emotional, not-enough-coffee-to-fill me freak, leaves me completely wiped with one frazzled mind.

usually i can accept that my life, for the moment, is not easy. i remind myself that i have so much to be grateful for. yet there are times that i am overwhelmed by how i live pretty much on the edge...the financial edge, the edge of energy, the edge of sanity, the edge of sorrow, the edge of happiness, the edge of total physical and mental exhaustion. for the most part, i persevere. yet something has to give. in order to feel successful as a mama, and employee, to push myself a safer distance away from the edge, i've got to keep up this pace. yet at the end of the day i crawl into bed with a noisy mind and a heavy heart, knowing that i've let go of me.
i am the thing that has to give.
and in that moment i spin into a mental panic over the fact that i'm not taking enough care of me and it's critical that i do , for ryder. yet pushing a career at this point is also critical. gotta have the paycheck, the insurance, for ryder. so for now i continue to crush it at work, keep the long hours....it will come back to me, to ryder.

i also continue to listen to my mind, my heart and will commit to finding a quiet moment for myself...this in many ways is more challenging than the demands of work, but i will persevere and it will come back to me, to ryder.

hope and peace are a just a stretch away. summer is around the bend. the lilacs sweet scent fills the air and clears my mind. many forms of vacation are in order. some with the little dude and some without. i crave beach time. bare feet, sand in my toes, ocean waves, salty skin, messy hair, sun-kissed cheeks and lazy lazy days. escaping to the warmth with the little dude sounds delicious. equally i crave a higher-altitude, time away from the noise (both in my head and my environment). summer camping. mountains. sleeping bags, tents, trail walks. the restoration one gets from sleeping on the ground under the stars. early mornings with coffee and the birds (and no computer!) a quiet oasis, an escape, relaxation...must find it and go there.