standing still

"stay or leave, i want you not to go but you should
and now what to do with the rest of the days afternoons...
what day is it? " - dm

i can't believe only a week has passed since he left. exactly one week ago we were blowing out the candles on my birthday cupcakes. taking a catter in the beanbag and wrapping our wrists with string. i am 38 that day.

how do you measure time? by the minutes, the days, weeks? months? years? it can move around us quickly, leaving us feeling the need to rewind, or pause. other times it seems to stand still, no matter how we wish it would continue in it's movement. time. sometimes fast, sometimes slow.

watching something beautiful. fast.
waiting for someone beautiful. slow.
pure ectasy, happiness, joy. fast.
heartache, lonliness, slow.
deadlines. fast.
workday. slow.
minutes with my little dude. fast.
my hair to grow. slow.
the box of smarties i just ate. fast.
motivating to tape the loft for painting. slow.
creating messes. fast.
cleaning them up. slow.
the past 5 months. fast.
being apart the next 2. slow.
trying to accomplish my crazy task list (a weak attempt to push away feelings of loneliness and worry) of painting, organizing, craigslisting, reading, researching, writing, paddling, photography, exercise, yoga, work, summer plans, playdates, a little dude's b-day party and all the things i'm forgetting....fast.
body re-sculpting. slow.
snuggles with the little dude. fast.
weekends without mateo. slow.
evenings without mateo. slow.
waiting for night to turn to day. even slower.
mid-july. eternity.