no signal

everybody leaves,
if they get the chance
and this is my chance - thom yorke

okay i know it is just a bleep, nothing more than latitude, longitude readings and a time stamp. no details of the travels between, what it took to get from the last point to this one. how long they paddled. did they rest long? enjoy the late late sun, or linger in the morning over moka pot coffee. was is sunny? was it cold? was it insanely beautiful, wrapped in mountains. was it rough? tiring? hard? fun? none of these questions nor the zillion others my mind wanders to periodically throughout the day can be answered. instead they drift away while i do to other thoughts...and yet, despite knowing i shouldn't, can't, i find myself waiting for the signal. so when i haven't had one since 1:00 p.m. yesterday, more questions drift back my way. only this time they are laced with a tinge of worry. i blame it on the mama in me or modern technology. we are so accustomed to instant contact, whether it be IM or text or email or cells. so as the sun sets and i sit here, warm, rested, well-fed with all my conveniences i find that i am uncomfortable. restless. thinking...push the damn button! totally ridiculous. right? right. seriously it is.

they have purposefully planned an escape. an incredibly opportunity to be free of all the check-ins life places on us. the calls we make to check-in with friends, family. the need to wake up at a certain time. get to work at a certain time. check your voice messages, have your meetings. check-in with this person or that one. send emails, receive texts. manage multiple IM conversations. be somewhere with someone at a certain time. make plans weeks in advance. have dinner at this time. it just goes on and on. typing it exhausts me...living it, well no wonder we just put ourselves on auto-pilot, lose the preciousness in moments, turn our heads the other way, dull our eyes and fade.

i can't quite imagine what they must've been feeling the month leading up to the put-in. knowing that in a matter of weeks, days, hours you would disconnect. you could have pure, simple silence. freedom to hear your own voice. sort your thoughts. to truly experience life at each moment. to be awake. alive. i would relish in stealing a week of that. and even then, when we take a week away, it is hard to truly let go. yet 6-8 weeks...total release.

so, while i am here (which feels like an alternate reality) i need to let them be there. i need to let them go. for me and for them. i am continually wishing them the best, they have all my support, admiration and positive energy. and then there's that little part within me, that in all honestly, is a bit envious. of the freedom they each have in their lives to just go. leave everything behind. see, touch, feel things that only they will share. and that even if i could take the time, i couldn't go. i don't paddle. and even if i could take the time, i wouldn't go. it wouldn't be my choice of how i'd want to spend 2 months away. it is true that for this trip, though it stings a little, 3 is the magic number, not 4.

to have the life experience they are having is something many of us only dream of. even if your dream doesn't involve 500 miles in a kayak, through glacier fed waters, bears, unpredictable weather, primitive food at best, with no idea where you'll sleep from one day to the next. with only 2 stops to refuel. oh yeah and HUGE mosquitoes. true story, they are practically the state bird. no matter the dream, we all long to disengage with the craziness and connect back to our spirit. discover our part. feel peace. truly be who we are. here's to the kayakers and dreams realized.

If you live the life you love, you will receive shelter and blessings. Sometimes the great famine of blessings in and around us derives from the fact that we are not living the life we love; rather, we are living the life that is expected of us. We have fallen out of rhythm with the secret signature and light of our own nature. – john o’donnahue

update - ten minutes after posting this i got the signal. synchronicity. love it.